One of the worst possible things that I ever could have realized was the possibility that my wife was indeed a compulsive liar.
I am not talking about the types of lies that people tell in order to keep from hurting someone’s feelings, but instead the type of lying that causes irreparable damage to a marriage, or to any other type of relationship for that matter.
The first time that I caught her lying I brushed it off and thought little of it, chalking it up to her simply trying to prevent some of our friends from knowing how difficult things really were at home sometimes.
We were both just graduating from college and things were difficult financially. Some of our friends had a lot more money than we did and I thought that she was embarrassed. That was understandable enough. Of course, I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to make things worse and embarrass her even more.
However, over the years I noticed a pattern. My wife would tell me that she was going one place and then she would end up somewhere else or she would tell me that she was having dinner with a friend that she hadn’t seen in years and I would later find that she hadn’t had any contact with that person whatsoever for more than a decade.
It was something that I really didn’t want to admit could potentially be a problem and as a result I had a tendency to brush everything under the rug and hope that I was simply overreacting. Over time, this became more and more difficult and I was eventually forced to confront her about her lying.
After a lot of investigation I found out that my wife had a tendency to lie about almost everything. She would tell friends that were not closely familiar with the family things that were completely different from reality and then she would come home and tell us stories about her friends that never happened.
When it was all said and done, it seemed that my wife had lied about everything from who she was friends with to how much money we made to where she was from. I slowly began to realize that there was a possibility that she was a compulsive liar.
How do you recognize a compulsive liar?
The signs can be difficult to pick up on, especially for someone who is good at it and most compulsive liars are exactly that. However, people that lie eventually trip themselves up and this is usually how compulsive liars are first found out.
Small variances in stories that they are telling you often simply do not add up. An inability to explain things anytime that someone catches them in a lie is another indication. Many compulsive liars have a tendency to weave a web of lies that they eventually cannot keep up with because it becomes impossible to remember what they have told to whom.
If you notice any of these things in your wife, you may want to consider the same fact that I had to consider and realized that compulsive lying may be the problem. It is also important to remember that there are many reasons that a person may be a compulsive liar and it is vitally important to get to the bottom of those reasons in order to find out if a relationship can be saved and what can be done to remedy the situation.
The worst thing you can do is ignore it because it will not go away.
Had the same experience myself. It was the rollercoaster ride of a lifetime, took her to therapy, but when I couldn’t physically take her to the door i later learnt she was out dancing with another man. I still tried to ‘fix it’ , but she continued to refuse there was anything wrong. In the end it ended like a ‘car crash’ and left me damaged for months…. But having looked at behavioural patterns, it all fits into place.
My daughter is a compulsive liar, I think. Hard to be sure. She lied as a child. Now, as an adult, she talks to me, but I have no way of confirming what she says, but her stories are outlandish. I let her tell them, and don’t confront her. It doesn’t work to confront her. It seems to be some stress relief for her. She wants to talk to me, but not truthfully. Maybe closeness for her is just being in contact. She wants things to be different so she says they are. I don’t know that she is lying as she makes it so that I have no contact with anyone who could verify her stories.
I am right now going through this. Finding so many lies my husband has been telling me. Everyday another lie. Silly lies but still lies and this is really frystrating. It is affecting our marriage so much. I cannot trust him anymore. I want to save our marriage but he needs to be willing to recognize his problem first. Can a compulsive liar be cured with therapy?
Was try into determine if my wife’s blatant lies are related to her mental illness and apparently it is. She suffers from schizophrenia
You many have to walk away….if there are kids its not so easy to leave them however you do not have to put up with a compulsive liar either
My ex wife is a compulsive liar. It is just one of the “lovely” traits she has being a sociopath. She lies about everything.
EVEN WHEN THE TRUTH WOULD BE IN HER BEST INTEREST SHE STILL WILL LIE. I never understood it and never will. It is like she is actually incapable of telling the truth. As if the truth is so foreign to her, she must lie. It never mattered how stupid or insignificant the lie was. She lied. She would lie about what she had for lunch. When we were still married (years ago) I remember just asking her how her day was, and she said “oh it was awful, my father (actually her step dad who she pretends is her real dad) is sick again and I had to go to my moms and help her take him to the doctor.” I thought nothing of things like that, until I called amber mother the next day to check on her and see how my wife step dad was feeling. And her mother had no clue what I was talking about. Either the father had a dr appt but only routine one, or my now ex wife just made up a straight up lie. Her step father wasn’t sick and had nothing wrong with him, and she actually hadn’t even seen her mother or step father or spoken to them in weeks. Why would she say these things. I have no idea. Becsue she is crazy I guess. Or maybe she wanted me to believe she had a hard day because she was out being a good daughter and helping her parents – because the truth is she is a horrible human being and has Never helped anyone – especially her parents. She has only bullied them for more money or some other material possession she felt entitled to
Now I believe nothing she says. I stopped believing her before I filed for divorce. Basically I stopped even wondering what she was telling the truth about and what she was lying about. I realized she was lying about everything. 100% of every word out of her mouth was a lie. I still don’t understsnd and I personally do not care anymore. I am just glad to be rid of her…
My sister is a pathogical liar. She told everyone for several years that she had breast cancer to get sympathy. She got put on the prayer chain at her church. When my mother and I asked for paperwork from her doctor, she never could show us anything. Her husband never went to any of her appointments either. We have been estranged from her for over 18 months now after she publicly embarrassed our entire family at my grandmother’s funeral. Now she wants to reconcile with my mother and I. We told her point blank to either prove she had cancer or admit to the lie or no future contact. She has yet to respond.
Keith – Look at the list (top right – What is Compulsive Lying Disorder?) to find my contributions to these page. You will see that I have had considerable painful experience. Your sister will NEVER respond to you simply because incurable compulsive liars have a built in strategy “Admit nothing – Deny everything.” You asked her to prove??? NEVER! Even when YOU can provide proof of her lies compulsive liars will refuse to accept those proofs and, instead, will make YOU an evil person for having even obtained documented proofs! In my own case – “Don’t talk about that because I could say a few things about YOU!” It’s rather clear that what my own wife could say about me would be based upon the lies that SHE has told about me!
My wife is a compulsive liar also. Its hard because we have a child . we were together for 6 years. I recently kicked her out of the house to stay with her parents. I work all the time so my son has to stay at her parents place too mostly. I take him whenever I can. He is 1 hour away so I don’t get the time to see him everyday. If anyone wants to talk. Having a hard time.thanks.
Just found out my wife is a compulsive liar also. I don’t think she has any control over it either. She lies about any and everything. One of the biggest lies she told was to her boss and coworkers about who her mother was. I didnt know this until I did a surprise engagement dinner in which I invited her boss and his wife. I was wondering why she so was not only shocked but extremely nervous. So the next day she came clean after her boss and his wife confronted her about it. I have so many situations that she lied about, its ridiculous. We have two beautiful daughters. 4&3. I don’t trust any she tells me and I don’t know if this is curable at all.
Is this actually a recognised syndrome which can be corrected with therapy? My wife is also a compulsive liar, not really big stuff, but regular stupid things. This morning I went into the bathroom after my wife had been in there cleaning her teeth, I saw my toothbrush was in the sink, it was wet like I t had been used, I asked her if she’d just used it and she denyed it, I knew she had, all the rest were dry. When I pressed her on it she’d follow up with another more elaborate excuse rather than just tell the truth. This is just one of hundreds of examples. It’s massively effected our relationship, like many in these threads the basis of trust a relationship is built on has gone. I simply don’t understand it,maybe it’s from childhood. I find it weird and disturbing, I wish there was a pill she could take to stop her compulsion to lie. It will inevitably cause us to split, which is very sad with two lovely boys.
WOW!!! I was searching through the replies to see if anyone had a similar story, and you are the winner!!! We have been together nearly 30 years, and now she’s pre-menopausal, and everything is coming to light.
Your story is my life with her. She’s told HUNDREDS of lies like that, and I’m at the end of my rope. I will have truth IN HER FACE, and she’ll get defensive, or make a new lie, like the original was never told. Sometimes, she LITERALLY will tell me 4 different answers to a question I ask, and then say I’m pressuring her until I get her to answer the way I want her to give me. But in reality, one lie leads to another question, which results in another lie, and the “Rabbit Hole” begins.
Here’s one that got me HEATED: The dance instructor hugs her as I walked up for her to introduce us. He was nervous as a guilty thief when she said “this is my Husband” as I walked up. Later, I asked, “does he hug you like that all of the time?” She said “He never did that before” (but she hugged him back…). A month later, it came up again (lies never die…) and then she said “He hugs everyone like that.” I said “You told me he NEVER hugged you before!!!” She denied her first answer, and then did her defensive “SMOKE & MIRRORS” trick (which I called her out on), and I let her know, she did say that first answer… It’s been worse the past two years, mainly because of that encounter, and her not finding another place for lessons.
Changing into different outfits after she leaves, and saying the Shirt was at the dance studio already, and the two BOOK BAGS she brought with her there, were her dancing shoes. No, she doesn’t wear CLOWN SHOES, so yes, she had her change of clothes in one of the Book Bags…
This article has greatly helped me, because I thought I was never gonna get to the bottom of my gut feelings about her. I might stay longer than I planned, now that I know, she can’t help it… we’ll see…
I have known for a very long time that the truth was sometimes just not going to come out. My wife lies a lot. I have gotten to the point that I am numb to it.
Last spring she said she had a meeting and she was spending the night there because it was to far to drive home after.
She left me a text saying she had arrived and was going to have drinks with friends. I tried to call her a little later and then several times through the night. .NO answer.
The next day she tells me she didn’t make it all the way to her destination because she was I’ll and stayed half way there. I showed her the text she sent me and she says she doesn’t remember.
Cheating? Most definitely! First time absolutely not. So what do I do. This is just one lie. They are too numerous to mention.
My husband and I have been married 3 years. We have a two year old daughter together. He is a great father but not so good husband. Found out he was cheating the entire time I was pregnant because i got his phone hacked with the help of [BIRDEYE dot HACK at GMAIL dot COM]. When I found out, it stopped. Months later I found out he was still cheating on me with women on facebook because i still had access to his phone! Then i stopped trusting him. I do love him and I wish it could work so does he. I just don’t feel in my heart it won’t ever work.